dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize
