the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Acid is not a monday night drug
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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