I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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