We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
