I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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