I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
