blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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