I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
