508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
