i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Say something about gay babies.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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