im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
