then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
