remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's never too late to be topless.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
