I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
