my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
