This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
In America we eat man semen.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
