The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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