We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
