I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
