worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
