If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
