2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
