your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
