This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
