So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
