I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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