If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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