mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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