A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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