I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
