Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I look better un-naked...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
