Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
