Who wears a wallet chain?!
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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