Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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