I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
