ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
