we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
