Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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