If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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