i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I didn't notice because vodka
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
