my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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