First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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