It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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