so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i out mim tonsoeep
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
