I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
COCAINE IS GR8
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
