drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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