I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
