I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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