Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
