I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
