So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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